Day 4: Control Freak

It probably comes as no surprise to many of you who know me well that I am a wee bit of a control freak. That said, I am a firm believer that self-awareness is 90% of the battle and I have made significant efforts to not permanently damage my children or my dear wife with my attempts to control the environment in which we live. After all, if you know something about yourself then you can affect some change... Right?
So why am I telling you this? Well... this whole treatment experience has been one big exercise in learning to further "let go". I feel like I have been plucked out of my regular life in Victoria and here I am twiddling my thumbs in Vancouver away from my sweet family. The truth is -- I hate being away from my children. Yet I know That this will be good practice for me because they will eventually leave the nest anyway and I will have to be a person beyond the realm of just being a parent. The other advantage of being away is that I can just focus on myself and I can indulge my need to sleep and rest without the day to day responsibilities of being in my own home.

So I will continue to just let go and let this experience happen to me. No amount of resistance will change the fact that this is what I have to do right now. I chose the picture above because it kind of represents that idea of "having stuff done on me" -- specifically my head. It is a strange experience going to that radiation ward everyday and getting into that fantastical high tech gear and then letting them zap me with those mysterious magical rays. There is a lot of faith required on my behalf in the expertise of others, especially knowing that those rays are as much damaging as they can potentially be helpful. Clearly I must let go control -- that's me we are talking about, the ultimate control freak!
As I write this blog I realize that it is a tad self-absorbed. Somehow though, by externalizing my thoughts and feelings into text, it helps me make sense of the whole thing and I think it must be good for me at some level. It also gives me a creative outlet which is a good thing for a person with a lot of time on his hands.
I woke up today feeling quite beaten up. It is almost like I went on a serious pub crawl last night and this morning I need to drink as much water as possible to flush out all the toxins from my system. The funny thing is that at other times in the day I can feel completely normal, like it is just another day.
Until tomorrow...