Day 25:I made it!

Yes, yes, yes... I am happy to say I can move on after today back to the regular rhythms of my life. No more melodramatic blog entries to pass my days. No more morning soaps. No more mindless thrifting for hours on end. No more endless commuting between Victoria and Vancouver. No more traffic jams. No more 12 hour sleeps.
No more endless chats about miraculous cures, cancers, tumors and dying.
Instead it will be a time to be back with my lovely clan complete with all the daily mundane domestic responsibilities of a dad. I look forward to the simplicity of having my life back. The kids will no longer be looking at me wondering when this is going to end. Most importantly, I can return to being just the Ronato I am known to be -- rather than the one with the tumor.
It will be a matter of waiting now for those wondering when I will find out if the radiation has been successful. Six months from now, the doctor will do a comparative MRI and then they will be able to see how the tumor has responded. The outcome is expected to be very positive. There it is . . . There will be no more "tumor" blogging from here on in.
Just occasional whimsical mindless chatter....
I am off to my last appointment.
Happy holidays all...

Day 24: My Penultimate Zap

It is amazing to me how time flashes by. Just the other day I had this enormous mountain to climb -- and here I am down to my last two treatments. People around me have been so kind and are constantly checking in to see how I am feeling and doing. The truth is I feel really good. Happy to have this experience behind me and thankful for this time of reflection. All said and done it is still the same old me -- other than being a little radioactively stimulated.
What a mysterious existence this thing called life is turning out to be. I am getting a much better understanding of what people meant when they said that the older one gets the more bewildering and crazy it all seems. Here we are functioning as minuscule specks in the universe yet having the burden of trying to make sense of it all. The only thing that feels right is that age old cliche called love but even that has inevitable pain associated with it. I love and care so deeply for my children, friends and family but at the end of it all I know we disappear one by one into the vortex called death. What absolute craziness!
It probably comes as no surprise that this little growth in my brain has sent me into a significant existential quandry. Who are we? What are we doing here? Why? Why? Why do we need to go through this simultaneously beautiful and also painful existence. The truth is I don't think I will ever really understand. It is really more just about accepting our complete lack of control. This coming from a complete and total control freak... I have my work cut out for me.
Right about now I really understand your 40's decade Yogesh. I deeply respect you quest for greater depth in your life at that time. There is so much more to strive for in this existence. Thanks for choosing what was obviously a harder path and modeling that for us as children. Despite the criticism that has been directed to you throughout the years, I think it took a lot of courage for you to put yourself out there and explore all those unknowns. Am I opening a can of worms here? Actually I don't really give a shit! Life it too short!
So here is me sending lots of love to all of you wonderful people in my life. I am a lucky man.

Day 23: The mind body connection

Cam and I watched an interesting movie last night called "Enlighten Up" about a film maker who has been doing Yoga for years and has been struggling to commit to it to the point that it might become transformational. She then finds a person who has never done any Yoga and follows him around for close to a year while he tries out all forms of Yoga in settings throughout North America and India. The film maker wants to see if Yoga has a transformational affect on the man. There are parts to the film that were a little superficial but then there were some really good moments particularly the ones shot in India. It left me thinking about a few things. For one thing it reaffirmed my love affair and fascination with India. It is a place I definitely want to return to in the coming years. Cam and I have a decided that for our 50th birthday (in a mere 6 years from now) we will be making a trip to India together. All good things happen with intention and a little bit of planning.
The film also got me thinking about my tumor. A few years ago Lizanne passed on a book to Skye and I called "When your body says no". The book basically highlighted the connection between a person's cognition and health. Specifically the role stress plays in a person's health outlook. Over the last few months many people have been all to happy to give advice and to share their thoughts about what might lead a person into a particular health dilemma. Of course there are all the environmental factors (which I think are not to be minimized) but then there is the cumulative life experiences we have and our reaction to those events and how that plays out a particular psychology in one's life.
What I do know is that when I do certain things in my life that acknowledge key aspects of who I am then it has a dramatic influence on how I feel and how I relate to the world. In a very broad sense, for me that involves knowing myself and exercising things that I am good at in a creative manner. I am very visual and love the feelings associated with creativity. At different times in my life I have paid real attention to that and it has made me fell really good. How this plays out in terms of me moving forward and influencing my body away from self-destructive tumors is a mystery to me.
I do know that there are many ways to age. Occasionally I am confronted by an older person who has a deep level of being at peace with themselves. It is incredibly attractive to see a person in the late years of their life seeming to feel like they are happy with the choices they have made and that they are not living in a state of internal turmoil. I want to be like that. Is it a tall order but hey why not strive for the good things. It all begins with some basic intention.

Day 22: Junk

During the last month I have had to be creative with my time while I've been here in Vancouver. In addition to all my excessive resting and relaxing I have made an effort to get out quite often on little errands. The lead up to Xmas has meant that I have had to do a little shopping for significant others. I have also spent a fair whack of time exploring Vancouver's many thrift stores. I have always enjoyed the process of looking for treasures in and amongst piles of junk.
..... And holy moly there is a mountain of junk out there! It is actually a very good past time to get involved in just before the gluttony of Xmas sets in. By spending time in the thrift stores, one really sees the sheer quantity of stuff that exists in our world and how it all lands up needing to go somewhere some day. On the one hand it appeals to my very thrifty "cheap" nature (as Skye would say,) and on another level it simply grosses me out. Seeing all the junk makes me feel sad for our planet. It is amazing to me how we are part of this economic system that depends so heavily on continuous growth so that people endlessly consume new things to keep the engines of production roaring. After awhile it is like the planet is drowning in stuff that quickly lands up on the trash pile in seemingly shorter and shorter cycles. It is like we are on a train that is driving faster and faster, eating up resources at an alarming rate for all this cheap junk that nobody really wants.
The cheapness and the ridiculously poor quality of the stuff being produced is actually the worst part of it. It just ensures that people replace things sooner than they might have done in the past guaranteeing the retailers more and more sales. The cost of it all is an increasingly trashed planet...
The worst part of it all is -- I am on the same train adding to the problem by participating in this charade we call Xmas. It is a terrible cycle! I feel like a bah-humbug if I abstain, and I feel gross when I participate . . . I can't seem to make sense of it all.

Day 21: Good times ahead

Well here we go. It is week five on this journey and I am feeling quite good all said and done. I am really looking forward to the holiday time ahead with the family -- especially because we will all be off together. It will be a time to regroup a little after my stint away and Skye will hopefully get some rest after holding down the fort for the last month with Bay and the kids.
John arrives this week as well so it will feel complete to have us all together under one roof enjoying our usual Xmas holiday together. It has been an especially good year for us as an extended family (with our European stint and our Kootenay time). We will have lots to reminisce over as we dig into the wine, baking, good cheeses and all the seasonal food that often mark the end of the year.

I am really going to miss Cam, Cristina and the kids on this side of the water. After living with them for the last four weeks I have become attached to them and I feel like I am one of the family. Spending extended times with their little ones (Luca and Anna) has made me realize how much our own kids have changed, matured and aged over the last few years. Skye and I have really left the little kid phase of our parenting journey. Little ones have such enthusiasm and soooo much energy. I already miss that stage of life in my kids. I should have had a gargantuan brood. What do you say Skye?
Maybe in another life...

Pictures of today's radiation treatment

Today I had one of the nurses take some pictures to give people a clearer idea of what the radiation procedure looks like. I am a very visual person and I thought this would be an essential entry to the blog. These pictures will make my experience a little more concrete for those of you who are far away.

Day 20: Festive Weekend

The weekend is upon us again and I have completed four out of five of my weeks. Not bad considering this was feeling like a long stretch ahead not that long ago. I am anticipating a fairly festive weekend on a number of fronts. For one there is snow on the horizon due to very cold snap of weather we have been experiencing. I don't like it from the point of view of making it to the ferry to get to Victoria, but I have to admit that it feels appropriate given the looming Xmas holidays.
Tomorrow morning we are slated to go pick up our Xmas tree and so a big portion of the weekend will be dedicated to making the house festive. The kids love the tree decorating. It makes for some good tradition in our home where we put on some good seasonal music and everyone makes the tree look festive.
There are also all the other end of year Christmas events. Kai has a Xmas school dance today for which he is very pumped. He is getting dressed up for the formal occasion. I would love to be a fly on the wall and see how he manages in a "dance" setting. Lots of titillation I am sure!
It is time for us to start our holiday baking in earnest as well. As we say in our household "butter makes the world better"! Apparently Pippin was already part of a friend's cookie making event this week where half of their creations were delivered to a homeless shelter. She told me the other half were gobbled up. No surprise she felt really gross after that.
Then on Saturday night Skye and I are going to a colleague's house for a little bit of holiday cheer. Add it all up, and throw in piano and swimming lessons and it feels like it is going to be plenty busy. Somewhere in there I will need to find some time to rest.
I imagine the same busyness might be permeating the lives of others out there as well. Good luck with it all.
Until Monday ....

Day 19: Male bonding

Last night I had the pleasure of going out and visiting with my very good male friends, Cam and Craig. Of course, the intelligent thing to do would have been to rest and sleep early but the "right" thing to do was to go get some good male bonding. The evening involved some good philosophical chats, an incredibly cathartic steam bath (at Craig's house) and lots of good late night snacking over good conversations about our favourite topic: sex! Funny how when you put together good male friends it seems like that becomes the inevitable conversation of choice. We are all still teenagers at our core.
Skye will be shocked and disappointed (because I am supposed to be healing over here with long restful sleeps) but Cam and I finally rolled into bed at 2h30 in the morning. Yes it was late and maybe not the most sensible thing to do for a person undergoing radiation treatments but it was thoroughly satisfying. It was the right thing to do! I woke up feeling connected and fed by my male brothers. Funny how catharsis comes in so many different shapes and forms.

This time has been a real reminder for me how great it is to be connected with such amazing friends. Skye and I have developed a very special bond with a group of friends over the years and it is wonderful how those bonds have continued to develop over time. Thanks all you beautiful friends! You all make my life so much more enjoyable and meaningful.
Now it is time for me to get out of my underwear and into some clothing for the day. It is lunch time already. Am I a teenager or what?

Day 18: Sleep

I spent the night wrestling with my sheets last night. I am not really sure why. It is so hit and miss with how I am feeling lately. One would think that consistency could be a reasonable expectation for how I should feel with these treatments. At times I go through my days feeling like this is not even real. The radiation must be a hoax (a placebo). Then there are other times when it feels all too real. Last night was one of those moments. I just couldn't settle into a good sleep and I couldn't find a natural end point to my night. I had the most bizarre dreams all night leaving me feeling like I was running a marathon. I finally got out of bed at noon feeling completely disoriented and out of it. I am really feeling ready to get my life back.
Consistency is what I am looking forward to again: in my routines, in my environment and most importantly in how I am feeling physically. The radiation is definitely making my system work overtime to repair it self. I am just looking for some evenness in my days. Bring it on!

Day 17: Inspiration from Lizanne

I woke up this morning and started the day out by looking at Lizanne's current travel blog. What a lovely inspiring post. It is so amazing to be on the other end now -- here at home observing someone else out there in the world breathing in all that the universe has to offer. It is such a reminder! When we were traveling we were so hyper aware of our environment, taking in all the little morsels around us throughout our days.
Here is Lizanne"s blog link for those who do not have it:
http://lizannearoundafrica.blogspot.com/

I loved the part where Lizanne spoke about arriving in the mountain village and had eight hours to pass by with little to do. The simple act of slowing down and being present is such a good practice. When we were traveling, I sometimes would wake up really early (especially in Asia) -- at sunrise and go walking about with my camera taking in the sights. I loved the morning light and would watch people begin their daily routines. That act of being an outsider looking in is very rich when one is traveling. This current blip in my life is definitely giving me lots of time to look at my life from the outside.
Alright, enough reflection for one day. The sun beckons...

Day 16: It's cold out there!

We woke up this morning to a very cold morning in Victoria. It was -6 C and there has been a wicked wind blowing all weekend making it feel that much colder. The nice thing about this weather is that we are also experiencing clear blue skies and lots of sun shine. I will always favour the cold days with sunny skies over the endless gray rain we were having a little while back.
This also marks the beginning of week four for me. Ten treatments to go -- Almost there!
Kai was having a really tough time last night knowing I was leaving again today for Vancouver. I made a real effort this weekend to do things with the kids -- at times pushing my fatigue a little far. We moved the basketball hoop onto the street for a flatter playing surface and had some really good games. We were playing "roller blade basket ball" -- a unique game played only here in Oak Bay behind the tweed curtain. I think the fun factor on the weekend might have added to Kai feeling a little more sad than usual last night. He even came down into our bed last night for a good cozy cuddle. I am so lucky that at age 11 he still does this once in a while. I miss having those little kids that were on my lap 24-7. They really do grow up far to quickly.
Well, I am off to catch a ferry...

Day 15: Gratitude

What a remarkable year 2009 has been for me. For one thing I have worked a total of two and a half months for the entire year. For many people that could have been a not so positive experience but for me it has been a gift. One the one hand, I got to spend eight solid months with my kids and darling wife on a trip of a lifetime that provided enough newness and freshness for years to come. On the other hand, all this time has provided me with an amazing amount of opportunities for reflection and introspection. I have had endless hours to examine my life and to slow down enough to smell the roses and attempt to be in the present. It is unfortunate that those things tend to slip away in our regular busy lives but the truth is they often do. Simple acts like lapping up the sun, enjoying an occasional sunset or walking with real attention to one's surroundings can all be very fulfilling in a very fundamental way. Not to mention eating a gelato and paying attention to the intricacies of all the wonderful flavours . . . God I am becoming such a flake!
No seriously, I have been so lucky to have this year with so much time to enjoy my family and appreciate all the beauty in this world. In many ways the travel really left me feeling more positive about the world. Sitting at home and only having the media as a lens on the world, tends to skew it after awhile. Our traveling experiences put us in contact with so many lovely people all wanting the same basic good things in their lives and for their families. The timing could not have been better because at times it is hard not to feel like it is all going to shit when one focuses on what is fed to us.
So there you have it -- more gratitude! I should have just made this a gratitude blog. Funny how when the carpet gets pulled from under my one's feet it leads to feeling lots of appreciation for all the good in one's life . . .

Day 14: Good Intentions

It is kind of ironic that I am doing more self-care for myself now, than I normally do when I am in full health. In my normal busy life I just do not seem to prioritize the self-care that I am focusing on now so that I can recover.
Why is that? I have always admired certain friends I have (Lizanne, Cam and Zane, for example) who diligently set time aside every day to do something for themselves. I seem to be one of those people who always has the best of intentions -- but I am poor at follow through. I would have to say that this has been a struggle for my entire adult life.
Of course, whenever I do go through periods of routine daily walking, cycling, stretching or yoga I feel so much better for it. The endorphins kick in and I realize that I "should" be doing this all the time. The best part about self care is that it relieves stress and it has the effect of filling one's cup. So logical but just not that easy for me. I honestly don't know why I talk myself out of it. It really takes no more than 45 minutes a day and it gives me energy and simply makes me feel better. Gosh this is sounding a lot like a New Year's resolution -- and it is barely December.
I just did a 30 minute Yoga routine this morning with Cam called "The Quickie" -- With a name like that how can it be anything but good! I know yoga is very trendy but the thing I like so much about it is that it encourages you to use your body in ways that most of us stop doing as we age. It literally stretches one's range of motion and encourages one to maximize the degree to which one flexes one's spine and joints. So many other kinds of exercise tend to involve limited motion for ones body (but does provide the cardio-vascular release). Yoga is the perfect complement for those types of exercises that involve repeated repetitive motion. So, for all those Yoga skeptics out there who think it is just a trend -- give it a try. You will be amazed at how much more limber you feel.

Day 13: Hump Day - Oh yeah!

It is official. I am now on the descent from the mountain I have been climbing. Today is humpday and it feels really good!
People keep asking me: How are you feeling?
The truth is that radiation appears to affect people very differently. As I reflect back my first week of treatment it was an intensely emotional one, with the whole build up to treatment and the experience of becoming a patient. I now think it is hard to separate the radiation from my emotional reaction to the situation for those first few days.
Now that I am in my third week I am calmer about the whole experience and so I think I am dealing more with the actual radiation side effects. I actually think I am doing remarkably well. The main thing that I experience is fatigue and a need to rest quite a lot. There are some days where I almost feel completely normal and then others where I feel the need to get lots of horizontal time.

Ironically, I think it is Skye who has the harder end of the deal here. She has to carry all the usual demands of her life and then deal with my exit on top of it all. Skye's life without this health wrinkle of mine involves coping with a new job that is very demanding, working on her studies in the evenings and weekends (her special education diploma) and then dealing with the emotional needs of the kids at this very delicate time. Thank goodness Bay is in the mix to keep the ship running in the right direction.
Meanwhile, I get to rest when I want, sleep endless hours, read, watch mindless TV, go on walks, visit with friends and generally take care of myself. So for all you well meaning people out there give Skye some well deserved attention and support. I am doing very well on this whole journey.
There is my sermon for the day! Until tomorrow...

Day 12: Too few plates in the air

It is amazing to me how I can be two entirely different people depending on the context of the life I am leading. Normally in my very busy life I am constantly juggling a whole bunch of plates in the air. Between my home routines, the kids needs and work -- I keep a very tight schedule, doing constant maintenance to ensure my life looks like I want it to look. The net result is that I become the king of efficiency, doing all my tasks with good quality in mind.
The flip side is when I have little to do, I become completely incapable of accomplishing anything particularly well. That seems to be the space I am in right now. Time flies by with astonishing speed and I seem to be accomplishing very little.
Everyday it seems like I blink my eyes and it is already midday and its time to make my journey to the clinic to get my treatment. Somewhere in there I manage to do a little email, do a little yoga, eat some cereal -- and before I know it the day its gone. It is so bad that at times I wonder if I m a little altered by this whole experience.
At the beginning of this journey, I had all the best intentions to do some reading or maybe even get creative with a project -- but it just is not happening! I think there is something to be said for a full busy life, with lots on one's plate. Part of it is that I am not in my home environment. At least if I was there I could do some spring cleaning, rake some leaves, water some plants, bug Skye for sex etc, etc.... Maybe not though. It could simply be that when I have more time I waste it on frivolous things.
Yikes, I guess I will definitley have to avoid ever retiring. Maybe I am a bit of a workaholic at heart? Or maybe I am just extremely hyperactive in my regular lifestyle and this is clashing with my current need to rest. Maybe that is why I feel so rattled by this whole "treatment" experience. Gosh maybe more yoga is in order .... Help!